Friendship as a Christian theological category
Many people ask me, “What does your church believe?” While this question is understandable, it is bothersome as well. The splinters within Christianity have left us wondering if there is any common ground on which we can stand. I want to offer what I think is an interesting starting place–friendship as a theological category.
The vitality of Christian theology is its inherently relational character. As such, considering friendship a theological category could have an important impact on theological application within the pastoral college as well as in the local church. William Willimon asserts, “An ethic of character demands the practices of friendship. . . The demands of ministerial character are so great that they cannot be met without daily, sustained interaction with those whose values are our own and in whose company we flourish.” Augustine asked, “Is not the unfeigned confidence and mutual love of true and good friends our one solace in human society, filled as it is with misunderstandings and calamities?” A bit out of their original context, but profoundly apropos, are Willimon’s words, “This makes it all the more tragic that pastors are some of the loneliest people in the church.”
If pastors are lonley, and yet they are to be the shepherds, the ones who lead others beside still waters, what can be done? On the one hand we can spiritualize it and tell them that Jesus is their friend. While this is true, does this comment alone not lead us into gnosticism? Does it not neglect, if not deny, the incarnation?
In wonder how a theological understanding of friendship might shape a Christian’s self-understanding which can sustain the hearts of both pastors and parishoners, inspire the hearts of believers, and ignite the hearts of the lost.
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I have found that friendship is based on how an individual defines the word. Personally, most people I come in contact with, regardless of how often or how long I spend in their company, are my friends. Even though someone may have many friends, they can still feel lonesome if they are not in the presece of company most of the time. In order to cure our loneliness, all we have to do is take the initiative to reach out to others. If we all made this effort, including pastors, this earthly loneliness just might become a faded memory.
Wes,
I agree that pastors need to make friends, but they are in a tough predicament. Not many people treat pastors as real people. Also, some pastors have the idea that they cannot have true friendships within their church because true friendship requires a transparency and vulnerability that they cannot afford to risk. For many people, as much as they say they want a pastor who is a “real person,” they really want a pastor who is “super-human.” The minute they find out the pastor is a weak human being like the rest of us, they cast him aside as non-spiritual. It is the human habit of objectification at work. I agree with you that if we made the conscious effort to make friends, we could reduce loneliness. I am sure the church is the place to start. That is why I want the church to see friendship as a spiritual discipline just as important as reading the Bible and prayer. Loneliness is a result of sin. Friendship is a result of God’s redemption of the world.
I see your point. I can put it to you the way my old boss did, “an individual is smart (most of the time), it’s the general public that is stupid.” Maybe a one at a time approach is needed. Now there are going to be some that expect you to be a high and mighty, can’t do anything wrong, perfect person in the line of work you do. Sort of like how being an inspector, everyone expected me to be some cranky, evil jerk and if I was on fire……..well, let’s just say they would let me burn (I had one tell me that too). But once they get to know you, they realize that “hey, this guy is human after all”. I don’t know, maybe I view things much differently than others. I just thought it was common sense that we all make mistakes and some unpopular choices in life. You even incorporate that into your teachings. I think the main reason for your dilemma is the same reason they put the warning labels on chain saws that read “WARNING: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals!”, ignorance. Just keep hitting the point home and people will eventually catch on.
Wes,
You are very perceptive. It is indeed a one-at-a-time approach that is needed. That is why our mission statement at the church is “Building a community of faith, hope, and love–one person at a time.”
You are also right about the difference between an individual and the crowd. The crowd will always have the mob mentality. My biggest problem, though is with the church–or more precisely with the people who want to tell everyone else how to make a church grow. Many times these schemes seem to forget that people are just that–people, and not objects. We tend to reduce one another to an object–so people can yell at inspectors and still sleep at night. I want to raise an awareness that making and being friends is actually a spiritual activity. Even more than that, it is a spiritual responsibility. Thanks for your help.
Hi Jim,
I had forgotten you had this blog until I reformatted my computer and looked at the bookmarks I wanted to save. Seems fitting enough to think about this a year later. A lot happened in your life in this last year. I hope you have learned something about friends. I hope I proved your worry about having to be perfect as an incorrect notion on your part. True friends do not expect you to be beyond human … no matter what your occupation or calling. I am truly glad to know that you are a real person. I never really doubted it. I am also proud to still call you my pastor, even if you are my friend and just a human. (-:
Doubt you still read this. Just in case … know that I have you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope all is well with you and the family. Peace.